Thursday, September 4, 2008


Bruce, a close relative of my husband’s, had to travel to a large city in another state for heart surgery. The chance of success was not good but the alternative was sure death.

The surgery went well but within a few days vital organs began to shut down. The battle raged. Many prayers went up. Finally, Bruce passed from this life to the next. He was “absent from his body and present with the Lord“!

My hubby has “more first cousins than you can shake a stick at” so we were two of many who drove in to pay our respects and to support his family.

The funeral was crowded. This man was well known and loved.

As each minister stood to share his thoughts about Bruce, I listened intently to the things they said. One said he had never heard Bruce say a negative thing against another person. Someone else pointed out that he had been a deacon at two churches and was a very active believer all his life, raising his daughter in church. Another pointed out that when he was about to have his car repossessed, Bruce loaned him the money that enabled him to keep it… and many more wonderful things were said about his integrity and about his life as a believer.

It was observed what a wonderful family man he was and how his wife, daughter, son-in-law and grandsons adored him. They had a very happy home. It was a good funeral… if there is such a thing.

I had a lot of time to think as we rode that 300 miles home. I wondered about what people will say about me when I die. Probably something like, “the first ten years she belonged to the church she was there every time the doors opened… and was involved in every activity that came along. She was on that committee and she liked to help out in the kitchen when we had meals at church. She was part of that group of ladies who met weekly throughout the year and did Bible studies together. She taught some of them.

But then what happened to her? She slowed down in her church attendance… just coming on Sunday mornings. Then she started missing Sundays here and there. Now it seems like all she does is go to work and go home. Work and home?"

Life has slowed down tremendously the last two years... almost to a crawl in recent months… slowing somewhat because of my husband's age... and the physical and emotional challenges we have faced.

Depression... anxiety... fear of crowds.... and then the headaches started. It has felt like like a downward spiral... with no end in sight

Still... I want to be a soul winner for the Lord. I want to be a daughter of whom He can be proud. I realize that I have issues that need attending to.

My “circle of life”… “circle of comfort”… circle of friends has grown smaller and smaller, each caught up in their own work and families. This “circle of friends” with whom I had shared so much for many years are leading busy lives, doing what the Lord is leading them to do.

The question on my mind today is how much have I accomplished for God… and how much was never done because I was too caught up in my physical limitations… too “bogged down” by depression and anxiety… too limited by my very real fears... to give God’s work the attention it deserved?

In so many ways I feel I have failed God. I haven’t been the bold and powerful witness that He desired me to be in quite a while. In many cases, I have given in to the physical and mental distractions…. and allowed them to be an excuse for being less than acceptable to the Lord.

All during this time, the Lord has remained near and dear. He has heard my every prayer and comforted my heart when it cried out to Him. He is a Father like no other... and He loves His children with an unconditional love.

Have you ever wondered how you will be remembered once you are gone? Would they say that you had lived your life with zeal... and vigorously completed the work God had assigned? I'm thankful there is still time left to work.

At the end my life I want to hear the Lord say, "Well done, You good and faithful Servant". I want to know that I have "fought the good fight, finished the course, kept the faith.”

As long as there is breath in my body, there is hope for a better future. I want to be a blessing to God... and a blessing for God. The thoughts He has for me are thoughts of peace and not of evil... thoughts to give me a future and a hope!


samantha said...

One of my favorite songs at the moment is "How You Live" by Point of Grace. The chorus says, it's not who you knew
And it's not what you did
It's how you live." It's one of the songs that would be on my life's soundtrack for sure!

I want to be remembered for so much more than who I am right now. Thank God, I'm not who I use to be and have the opportunity each day to be better than the person I was the day before.

This blog was encouraging!